Sean King

Benjamin Chandler

zeej qooj

Macaroni Dots

Rietje Becker

Sam Becker

English

I must’ve hacked into this server a million times as the first step in accessing, well, a million other systems. An open port 22 on an obscure government agency tucked away in an old office building where they know how to send emails about corn and not much more. But this time

I saw something I'd never seen before. A fully functional version of the arcade classic Joust running in my browser window. I enjoyed a few games, wondering if it was the work of a bored grain lobbyist, or a fellow cybernaut.

I was 9 years old the last time I'd played Joust. Ned's Pizza had one of those table versions of the game, but I never got far. This time I beat it. Immediately there was a knock at the door. I opened it to see a woman on an ostrich. "Greetings, Joustfigther," she said.

Mounted on my own ostrich, lance in hand, I gave the bird a squeeze causing a single flap to lift me, with a satisfying "SHWAP!", ever so slightly higher than the opposing female ostrich jockey. The tip of my lance engaged her, immediately transforming her into a floating egg

The egg flew me over the beautiful sea, and as I looked down, I saw dolphins with princess crowns jump over and over. I then heard a engine rumble cough, and smelled gas from far behind,

Coronated dolphins? What had I eaten last night? A spritz of water indicated this was real and not the double enchilada from Chili’s. A boat quickly approached. I remembered the object in my pocket and threw it in the air, creating a fog storm, allowing us a passage to safety.

Adventures in the Corn Board

gntzaXfXZGYJEpbpXg2eqKt2Ukp2

A —

I was prepared. I had a plan. I had practiced several times a day for the past two months. I had all my tools in my pockets, plus snacks and a tiny first aid kit. That night at 10 pm, I would finally do it.

I then walked to the school, with two small guns in my hands, deep in my pockets. I had just one time to do this, before I met God. It was breakfast time, and everyone met in the small cafeteria, some loud as a donkey, and some quiet as a bat. I had a bad feeling in my stomach..

It was probably that pickle brine my sister dared me to drink that morning. Why did I drink the whole jar of it? Ugh. I looked at the guns in my hands. They were so tiny. Lego guy guns! What was I supposed to with these? The brine was going to my head. That's when Alicia saw me.

Huge grin, bazooka slung over her shoulder. Screwed. “Alicia, w-“ a pickle burp interrupted my plea.

"Sorry, Alicia" I offered an apologetic face but in a moment it turned into a strained rictus as I let rip the most trouser-inflating fart that had ever passed my chuff-pipe. It began with quack followed by a 4-second baritone drilling sound ending with a whine two octaves higher

When I finally got up I was struck by the total calm of her face. How could she be unfazed by such a display? “Just got out of a repressive, unhealthy relationship,” she said holding her nose. “Thank you for being so free in front of me—I’m ready to start a new chapter with you.”

Pickle Vapor Love Bazooka

Tj1AIbmaU3TP9tM2LITUGInvwt32

Emily J

Laurel stomped to the end of the pier and gazed into the murky water. He followed her. “You can’t do that! You just can’t!” A single tear cascaded down her cheek.

"I can too," she said. "Watch me. Gramma said if you cry seven tears into the sea, it will summon a selkie to be your boyfriend." Laurel counted the tears as they rolled from her cheek to chin and dripped into the dark water below the pier. "How do you think she met our grandpa?"

They waited for 5 minutes, and sat on the pier with their feet in the water. Laurel looked at her watch, 8:00 pm. It was almost dinner time, and gramma was making lasagna tonight. Sidney yawned as she stared in to the sea.

“Don’t you find the sea soporific?”, Sidney asked. “Terrific?” Asked Laurel. “No, soporific. The sea makes me sleepy.” “Then you probably shouldn’t swim in it!” Said Laurel.

Sidney’s squinted, her version of laughing, “I think I’d like a Viking funeral.” Laurel sighed, “We…

“…don’t have enough wood. Not to mention, we’re in the middle of a drought. Huge fire risk.” Laurel shook Sidney. “Sorry, you just can’t die now.” Sidney sighed. “Fine, then hurry up and finish saving me so we can get back to work.”

Saving the Selkie

bqezunu4rGePc1ivMdAVFGOvEBQ2

Logan Pengelly

Caz Sand

You realize something about the voice that has been following you and it is that the phone is PAL from that movie you watched called The Mitchell’s VS the Machines

“But you said movies aren’t real, Mommy! How can an animated movie character be a phone? I’m only seven, but I’m seriously sick of your lies.”

The mom then slapped the poop out of the child.” You do not question my words you pathetic worm, now let’s go!”. They walked over to the movie theater, and sat in their seats.

Movie trailers stuttered over the screen. A comedy about a man in love with a houseplant. A thriller about a nurse who steals her patients' eyes. A fantasy epic about dragons, knights, & elf nudists. Another comedy—this one about a lion playing baseball. None of them looked good.

Except maybe for that epic about dragons and elven nudists. I definitely dig that.
My “boyfriend” arrived and sat with me, just as the movie was about to start. I was so hungry, that I didn’t noticed that I just bite a sandwich full of mayonnaise that I…

immediately had a reaction—I was deathly allergic to mayonnaise! Suddenly I felt dizzy, scaled beasts and nude faeries circled above. “Help,” I whimpered. My magic
boyfriend grabbed my pills and patted them into my Minotaur mouth. I whinnied and all was fine for a moment.

"I sure have," said the phone. "I'm just so, so lonely." I took pity on it then. I picked the phone up & cradled it in my hands. "I'll be your friend," I said. "Oh!" sighed the phone, "Companionship at last!" I swiped away its face to find the apps. "You got Candy Crush, though?"

LOOK AT THE APP IN THE APP STORE

U DID THE STORY WRONG

4qlkK57QhHME165PyFGZ7x4LBHS2

Physics of Gaming

Ben Syverson

I Cried as the ignorant and innocent boy lay before me, he had given his life up on a heartbeat so that I could live, My eyes became ember and my mind became crimson. I smiled and nuzzled his hair as I pulled the blade."I give the life of this boy back for my own,Goodbye chestnut

, I liked this body.” He took the bullet for me not knowing what I am. I can’t leave it this way. Not again. I forced the blade between my ribs. I screamed from the pain. As I held the boy, he heaved forward and shook. The room smelled like roses as I fell back to the floor and

let out a thunderous fart. It was frankly impressive. And with that, I left this mortal plane, that mighty blast serving as my last words.

“Did I do that?” I cracked, looking around for someone old enough to remember Urkel. But everyone was so low and far away, including… me? I looked at my feet, dangling in the air translucently, and it hit me: I’m a ghost. Luckily, the afterlife is super dope, as you well know.

I then flew through the astral plane slapping ghost butt as I passed through, and screamed out in the void.

There was a cosmic crash & I awoke on a gray street. I tugged a passerby's arm. "Where am I?" "Little early to be drunk," she muttered. "Please," I insisted. She sighed. "Beloit," she said & pulled her arm from my grasp. "Beloit, Wisconsin? Oh no. I hope I don't run into my ex."

Stuck in Beloit

VabODAh4EidNJyuL873XbrirwC03

LifezVictory

The pair woke up cozy and relaxed. Lori, a human, was Beth’s best friend in the world. Beth, a giraffe, was the best home Lori had found for her precious slap bracelet collection. Dozens of glittery colors, all on one long, luxuriant neck.

The best part is all the bracelets were both on display, and too high to be reached by thieving hands. Lori would walk Beth around town showing off her graceful friend and her collection at the same time. One day, she left Beth tied to a post while she bought some fresh fruit.

But when she returned, Beth the Giraffe and her collection were gone! There was nothing but a hole in the ground where the pole used to be. Lori was extremely distraught, and decided to go on an epic quest in search of her friend and her collection.

Lori reached into her backpack and pulled out a thin strip of cloth with Chinese characters and a big red circle. She’d won it at a Chuck E Cheese prize counter. “Ninja time!”, she said, incorrectly conflating Ninjas with China and headbands. “Like, let the quest totally begin!”

She then Naruto ran and jumped onto chucked cheeses creepy face, and threw up like the girl from the exorcist into the ratscot’s mouth. She then started doing silly fortnite dances, until

there were no more pop culture references to be made. Exhausted, she flopped to the floor. The pizzeria's carpet was surprisingly soft. She lifted her arm to block the ceiling lights' glare & saw it—the lime green slap bracelet on her wrist. It had all been worth it.

Then she remembered the raisins—a box that had been in her pocket for months. She extracted a clump. The raisins were squished together, covered in dust and hair. The creature approached and gratefully ate its fill. Then they both laid down together, and peacefully spooned.

Slap!

Slap: Part II

JQaVDJY2GqesbeCSNq4D2IvNFgp2

“It’s too many wildflowers! This will never do!” yelled Heckledun the imp as he ran between the magenta Corncockle and white Cow Parsley, all roughly even with his stature. “You’ve made too many wildflowers, Grum!” he repeated, uprooting a freshly transmuted daisy, in disgust.

“Is meadow. Need flowers,” whispered the earth golem, his hillock shoulders approximating a shrug. “Flower good. Smell nice. Feed bee. Now you stop complain, else I make chasm.”

I stood below his massive rock dong, and he started itching his left testicle. “See something you like?” It said, in a cold but amused voice.

I pointed at the words printed on my smock: “I’m a top rock cock doc not some hot sock wok jock”. The automaton’s brow furrowed. “That’s testicular erosion there big guy, not just an itchy nad - you have three days to live”.

He pulled his pants up staring blankly at the doc, his groin concerns melting away. Three days to live? What's an earth golem to do? He stomped home to his mountaintop, slower than usual, appreciating a majestic sunset in the distance. Luckily golems experience time differently.

For 3 days he stood, remembering the best moments—Moishe the wizard who'd written "emet" on his forehead; Heckledun's 21st birthday, when they slammed Slippery Nipples & Flaming Sambucas until they passed out; his 1st kiss with Jenny Gwan ... It was a nice life. Then it was done.

Moss and the North Side of a Golem

Lynsie Lucas

I don't know why my mother hates my boyfriend so. He's whip-smart, handsome to a fault, knows Japanese and English, and will never ever take advantage of me. I mean, really the only thing he hasn't got going on is that he's electronic. Y'see, he's a character from a video game.

His name is Link, and he's just the best. So strong and brave, and handsome too. He doesn't say much, but he doesn't have to - he speaks with his eyes. His fashion sense is a little strange, especially the pointy hats he seems to love. But I don't care, I want to marry my Linky.

But he hasn’t noticed me yet. I watch him from afar, hidden in the shadows of our daily lives, just waiting for the right opportunity.

He was in a limousine, and his butler was driving through the McDonald’s drive through. I was far away, staring at him through a window in the small shop, hiding behind the cash machine. I had my binoculars in hand, and a walkie talkie

"Subject has entered my sight," I said. "Unfortunately, I am unable to get a clear read on the order.

I bite my lip and pull the trigger—frigid orbs of purple plasma fill my field of view. I pray for my target right up until I miss completely. With a mixture of despair and relief I bank left and soar out of this planetary neighborhood. Where I’m going no one will know my failure.

Star Fox Loves Link

GZNTzZOb5RRkSQhsd6myY7RnLqL2

I was first the kid in Little River, Maine to fall down an open mine shaft.

I fell for what seemed like hours, tumbling to the bottom, pitch black all around me. The good news? I had my trusty flashlight with fresh batteries. The bad news? I wasn’t sure there was a way out of this mess.

Then I remembered Otter Scout saying #7: "where there's a will, there's a way." So I searched the bottom of the hole in a methodical manner, looking for a way to escape.

I grabbed my fleshlight from my pocket, and started making out with it, then I grabbed my flashlight, and looked around for any roots to grab onto. There was a big dangly one from above, I could just jump to reach it. Once I got back out of the hole, I found myself in a different

Place… a very dark and strange place with walls that looked like flesh, and floor that felt like if Imbone and mucus. I saw at the horizon and saw a very tall and kind of phalic structure. I started to feel real fear… so I grabbed the first thing in my pocket: my fleshlight

I sighed. Why did my brother put gross things in my pockets? The other pocket had a package of mustard & a pen that said "Li'l Orphans Labor Camp." Ha-ha, bro. Approaching the meaty tower, I realized it was actually a giant bratwurst. My brother's mustard came in handy after all.

Otter Scout Saying #7

2QSRmOw3nlhCxFpORC8Ux2CS0ak1

emily wahl

Diana Tobey

Its eyes were filled with hunger and hatred as I stared into the eyes of the abyss, I could see her eyes illuminating out of the monsters evil snare. "I'll give her back to you, all you have to do is come over here..."My body moves itself without hesitation knowing its a trap.

Suddenly, an overwhelming grip of claw-like pincers grab my waist. Through all the pain and carnage in this journey... I finally knew what I needed to do to get her back to me.

I should have listened to hear when she told me to stop wearing shrimp-scented cologne. I was mad that she tried to control me, but she was trying to prevent me from being eaten by a giant crab. “If I survive this, I owe you an apology!” I said through gritted teeth.

I grabbed a claw full of sea mud and slung it at my gargantuan opponent, whose pointy red shell seemed to tell the tale of many battles, none lost. I was beginning to lose hope when

A green portal opened, and Rick and Morty walked out. “Don’t worry, Diana! We got this freaking jerk man!” Rick pulled out a long wooden stick and poked at the red gargantuan, and it exploded into a blue colored bloody mess!

It was during the cleanup that Diana met Chaz, a street sweeper. He shoveled blue slop, scoured the asphalt, sweaty muscles bulging under his overalls. Diana couldn't resist. "Hey," she said, rolling her fingers over his bicep. Chaz tipped his hat. Their love would become legend.

Dianah Cheats on random dude I guess

E2kN3DtvjqOkGxPDW16oGFDkRXC2

Where am I? Is this a bed I'm lay on? It's cool linen. I don't open my eyes. I recall previous events of the day and days gone by - I feel content. I open my eyes, they're met with sunlight streaming in between gossamer drapes. I hear the sounds of the garden and children playing

“Ring Around the Rosie”. I’m surprised children still play a game from the Middle Ages. Enjoying the breeze from the window, I get up, and attempt to find the bedroom door. But it seems to be missing. How do you lose a door?

I then feel a terrible gut in my stomach, and run over to the bathroom, which doesn’t have a door either! I put my face into the toilet, and throw up

I felt relieved, never eat oysters that doesn’t look fresh…As I was looking at my reflection in the toilet water I finally understood, what if this was a doorway. It was a bold move, but I closed my eyes, put my head inside the toilet and flushed myself.

This Mortal Portal

tCO6wHJBWuTTEMry5LEPxiWD5B63

Justine Hood

It was morning, I was ready for my breakfast. I went to the fridge, got two eggs, some bacon and a slice of bread. I turned on the stove, and just when I was ready to crack one of the eggs I heard a small voice..”DON’T EAT ME!”

I looked around confused and scared because I thought I was in the house alone. I looked down at my hands only to see my almost-cracked egg with a petrified face. I stood there with the strongest dumbfounded look on my face. "I must be trippin', bro." I put the egg on the counter

The egg leapt up to the top of the sugar jar, then yelled. "Hey bro! You know that person in the horror movie who's always actin' dumb? The one you're yelling at to get out of that house? That's you right now, bro!" I gasped, and rubbed my eyes. The egg was just

sitting there judging me. “I’m listening,” I said, picking the egg up and placing it on my shoulder, “walk with me.” The egg and I traded some fast, witty dialogue that would have made Sorkin smile, then clap, then weep with envy. “In any case, we’re going to need alfalfa. Lots.”

They walked some more until they spotted a bunch of alfalfa, sitting on a bunch of dried leaves. “Something doesn’t look right..”, said the egg, with sweat dripping on its eggshell forehead. There seemed to be metal underneath, almost invisible to see under the alfalfa.

The egg bent over and began frantically wiping away the leaves revealing a plaque—HERE LIES THE ORIGINAL OVUM it stated above the year: 1588. "Pepaw!" the time-traveling egg cried as a coconut fell from above pushing its sweaty face to the ground. "I tried," it wept. "I tried."

Shell Shocked

bbkTNfpg5ihp8Vxtaei4aLh52PA2

So you heard a HONK when you were
gardening so you look back and see a goose holding a pictureframe and a blanket so you throw the pictureframe over your fence to Astrid Lu

"What is this?!" Astrid calls back to you, but you don't answer. You're gonna give her a minute to remember—and she does.

"Of course," she says, looking into her hand. "It's the world's last Froot Loop." The little pink circle rests in her palm like a sugar-coated ruby. "You know," you say, "I used to think the pink ones were cherry, but the colors don't matter. Every Froot Loop tastes the same."

Her eyes widen, and then she clamps down her fingers, crushing the fruitloop into dust which she allows to trickle through her fingers with a manic, insane grin. "They lied to us," she whispers, voice quivering. "How could they? How could they deceive us so?"

These so-called Fruit Loops are just sweet colorful Cheerios! Look at them, taste them. You know I’m right!

I stared at them, and I couldn’t move.. they looked so menacing, and evil.. I then woke up in a hospital bed, and my mother was crying in a chair by me. “Mom, what happened?!”, I asked, “she’s dead, we’re finally free..”, she looked up at me with tears of joy, and she hugged me..

The cheerio comes full circle

EEoQncqVoAadWOvEttgGw9aYN8H3

What will

“Alright team,” the captain said, making it clear with two words that she had elected herself captain and no one else was even close to being in consideration. “We have a lot of work to do. Right now this party barge is neither a party nor a barge.” Elise raised her hand. “Yes?”

"Would you, Captain, call it a soiree canoe? How about a celebration raft? A jamboree kayak? No?" The captain grimaced and said "get the plank!"

The pirates hooted and hollered as the plank was laid, its far end teasing doom. "I don't really have to, do I?" I asked. "Yep," said the Cap'n. "You made 'Oops All Crunchberries', you walk the plank." "But, Cap'n!" I protested, "I'm allergic to shark bites & jellyfish stings!"

“Not my problem, mate!” The Cap’n snickered with a sinister smirk nestled in his disarrayed beard. “Walk the plank… else Jack here ‘ll help ye along!”

“Fuck you.” I said, and i farted out into the sky. “Black magic!!” The Captain scoffed, “shoot him with the cannons!”. I grabbed a green hat out of my ass, and put it on my head! The crocodiles watched in awe, with their jaws wide open.

“I am your lizard king!” I exclaimed and dove into the water, joining my reptile brethren. Before fully submerged I lashed my tongue out, knocking the captain off balance. She grasped futilely toward the plank before falling off the ship into a crowded sea of hungry, sharp maws.

To Those Who Are About to Croc: We Salute You

Kimberlie Pengelly

Juan Sebastián Escobar

You try to order again and the alien gets mad at you

You start scrolling through your English/Glexnor phrasebook. You try to order a vegetable fritter, but instead you say “hot oily fruit pillows to me eat, please?” The big purple chef blinks all 8 eyes in a row then retreats to the kitchen.

Your mind plays through traumatising results of what this mix up in communication might cause. You knew that eating on an alien planet might not have been the best idea, but you didn't think it could get this bad. You might have to resort to a dine and dash...

All of a sudden, Rick and Morty strut through the two glass doors, and Rick looks at a picture… ITS YOU. Then he scans his eyes around the room, as you duck under the table. Your transformation from eating the Rick and morty McDonald’s alien special meal has been given you really

bad eyesight. What you thought was a McDonalds is actually an abandoned Dairy Queen. Rick & Morty are two stray cats. The meal was truly a McDonald's alien special meal, though, because if it wasn't, you wouldn't have bad eyesight. "You should go to Lens Crafters," says a cat.

"You're probably right," you sigh, squinting at the cat—or is it a slender gopher? Honestly, now you can't trust your ears. The creature has planted the seed of doubt in you and it's growing with every blink.

The entire staff groaned as their boss began shouting orders left and right. “AND DON’T FORGET THE PICKLES THIS TIME!” he bellowed. Would the customer ever be satisfied? Would the staff ever get to take their hard earned break? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!!!

Sunny Anomaly

space food

space food: Part II

The walk to grandma’s house seemed longer than usual. She loved the forest, but something about it seemed almost sinister today. She quickened her pace. “Going somewhere special?” A gruff voice asked from the shadows. She turned to see a long hairy face with sharp pointy ears.

“Oh, hi Grandpa”, she said coldly. “Grandma said you aren’t supposed to be within 1000 feet of her, per your restraining order.” Grandpa stepped out from the trees with a duffel bag over his shoulder. “Don’t worry dear, I was just picking up my things... goodbye.”

She knew within 5 minutes he was lying, as she listened to him rustling through drawers and cupboards like a drunk thief. What he was looking for, she couldn’t know, but she knew she was going to get an earful when Grandma got home. She sucked in her breath and headed in...

…to the kitchen. “What you’re looking for is in the shed,” she said. He looked up from the collection of blenders and mixers Grandma kept in the cabinet to the right of the stove. “You’ll find it out there,” she assured him.

“Are you sure?” He asked. “In the shed?” Why would Grandma keep it in there, he wondered. She simply nodded. He strode out the back door and plodded across the lawn toward the shed when a loud bang stopped him in his tracks. Stunned, he spun around and couldn’t believe his eyes.

A giant red and black snake longer and wider than him, slithered away from his hiding spot, and hissed. He could hear words coming out of the snakes mouth, “I have a riddle for you, answer it correctly and you won’t die! Why couldn’t the panda make up its mind?”Answer in comments

The day a snake ate grandpa

Pz9PhFQjKpQYAw2GQ5ykxPpFJLe2

"Well, it's not like any of us have ever been in a life-or-death situation before!" Jane said. Everyone around the table nodded, then looked at me when they noticed I wasn't agreeing.
"Oh, I have," I said. "But this is the first time I've had an audience."

That’s the funny thing about solo cave diving. It makes you feel alive, because no one will know if you die down there. It’s a crazy hobby, but I love it.

It was my grandma who introduced me to it. She used bring me minerals & fossils from the caves for my birthday. When I was old enough we'd explore together, spelunking & diving, swinging our lights through the dark, scaring bats & finding treasures; that is—until she disappeared.

The next time I saw her she appeared on Instagram Live. But it wasn't just any Instagram Live. It was Tory Lanez's Quarantine Radio. Twerking for some dollar bills. That was the grandma I knew and loved.

Then a knock came on the door in the livestream, it was the fbi. They were screaming to open the door and put their hands behind their back, and punching sounds came through the speaker. Tory Lanez then jumped out of his window, and gunshots were heard through the street.

In the days that followed, it came out the cops were actually looking for a drug dealer that had got countless adults in the city addicted to marijuana. Wrong apartment. Tory had nothing to do with it. The cops released a statement that he died from a glass related incident.

FBI:Freaky Bae In (The Hood)

Where am I? Is this a sidewalk I'm lay on? It's cold stone. I can't open my eyes. I try to recall previous events of the day... or of any time - there is nothing. I try my eyes again, they're gritty, salty but I open one. I'm on a sandstone building ledge, high above busy streets

Slowly I open the other eye and carefully pull myself up to a sitting position, my arms propping the weight of my body up. I see the hustle and bustle of the busy streets below me, but hear nothing.

He doesnt feel anything either, and slowly his vision fades away.. and then his form is slowly floated to the top, where god sits on his couch with a newspaper. When the kids body stops, a ding is heard, and god clicks his fingers.

“Hey-ooo Buster, your turn with the Almighty. What have you always wanted to know?” asked Notorious G.O.D. “Yes! Why does anyone have to suffer? If death is part of the plan, why does it hurt so much? Are we alone in the universe?” The big guy sighed. “It’s a mystery, kiddo.”

God - what a jerk

Zoe Becker

Jerry glanced down at the photograph in his hand, then back up again at the woman sitting alone at the back of the cafe.

She was gone, with a puff of dust exploding where she once sat. Jerry then heard a woman’s voice inside of him. “ your dreaming, wake up!”…

All at once a blinding light coursed through the space. Jerry and the woman froze. And then a creature appeared, seemingly from the air itself.

It was a wrangler fish, with kaleidoscope eyes. It slowly opened its mouth, and a long arm protruded out with a blue diamond.

@whatwillmakebethebestforeverxd

Name

Lifetime lines written

Awards

Macaroni's Stories