LifezVictory

Sean King

Emily J

Benjamin Chandler

Michael Stiehl

Sam Becker

English

I stared down at the paper I had been handed, incredulous. It read as follows:
Dear Mr. Ellis:
This notice is to inform you that your son has been suspended for three days for throwing flaming urinal cakes out the window.

Young Ellis was staring intently at his feet, red-faced. “Well, son, I have been wondering if you had the family ‘gift’ or not. I guess it’s time you learned our secret. But first tell me about the flaming disinfectant disc.”

Ellis looked at his dad. “I don’t know what happened. One moment the disinfectant disc was sitting in the urinal. The next, it was flaming.” His dad chuckled. “Yep you have the gift all right. Or maybe it’s more a curse.” He patted his head. “Don’t worry I’ll explain everything.”

"Y'see, son, you're a member of a long line of Fire-Streamers, folks whose wee is strong enough to peel the paint off a barn. It starts about now & it'll last until the end of your days. It's scary at first, but eventually you'll be tinkling to show off & impress girls—just don't

eat Cool Ranch Doritos. They'll make your pee as weak as an open can of seven day old Mountain Dew." He looked very serious and then continued "See we had no idea 'bout this 'till 1987. That's year your ole great uncle Rich "The Sandblaster" Aycock found it out the hard way."

Rich had just triumphantly saved his village from alien invasion when fire sparked from the rubble and raced toward the firework factory. With seconds to spare Ole Sandblaster unzipped his trousers to extinguish the flame but his diminished stream failed him—done in by a Dorito.

Mr. Ellis And The Flaming Disinfectant Disk

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Macaroni Dots

The pair woke up cozy and relaxed. Lori, a human, was Beth’s best friend in the world. Beth, a giraffe, was the best home Lori had found for her precious slap bracelet collection. Dozens of glittery colors, all on one long, luxuriant neck.

The best part is all the bracelets were both on display, and too high to be reached by thieving hands. Lori would walk Beth around town showing off her graceful friend and her collection at the same time. One day, she left Beth tied to a post while she bought some fresh fruit.

But when she returned, Beth the Giraffe and her collection were gone! There was nothing but a hole in the ground where the pole used to be. Lori was extremely distraught, and decided to go on an epic quest in search of her friend and her collection.

Lori reached into her backpack and pulled out a thin strip of cloth with Chinese characters and a big red circle. She’d won it at a Chuck E Cheese prize counter. “Ninja time!”, she said, incorrectly conflating Ninjas with China and headbands. “Like, let the quest totally begin!”

She then Naruto ran and jumped onto chucked cheeses creepy face, and threw up like the girl from the exorcist into the ratscot’s mouth. She then started doing silly fortnite dances, until

there were no more pop culture references to be made. Exhausted, she flopped to the floor. The pizzeria's carpet was surprisingly soft. She lifted her arm to block the ceiling lights' glare & saw it—the lime green slap bracelet on her wrist. It had all been worth it.

Then she remembered the raisins—a box that had been in her pocket for months. She extracted a clump. The raisins were squished together, covered in dust and hair. The creature approached and gratefully ate its fill. Then they both laid down together, and peacefully spooned.

Rietje Becker

Slap!

Slap: Part II

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Logan Pengelly

Lynsie Lucas

So you heard a HONK when you were
gardening so you look back and see a goose holding a pictureframe and a blanket so you throw the pictureframe over your fence to Astrid Lu

"What is this?!" Astrid calls back to you, but you don't answer. You're gonna give her a minute to remember—and she does.

"Of course," she says, looking into her hand. "It's the world's last Froot Loop." The little pink circle rests in her palm like a sugar-coated ruby. "You know," you say, "I used to think the pink ones were cherry, but the colors don't matter. Every Froot Loop tastes the same."

Her eyes widen, and then she clamps down her fingers, crushing the fruitloop into dust which she allows to trickle through her fingers with a manic, insane grin. "They lied to us," she whispers, voice quivering. "How could they? How could they deceive us so?"

These so-called Fruit Loops are just sweet colorful Cheerios! Look at them, taste them. You know I’m right!

I stared at them, and I couldn’t move.. they looked so menacing, and evil.. I then woke up in a hospital bed, and my mother was crying in a chair by me. “Mom, what happened?!”, I asked, “she’s dead, we’re finally free..”, she looked up at me with tears of joy, and she hugged me..

The cheerio comes full circle

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Kimberlie Pengelly

Juan Sebastián Escobar

You try to order again and the alien gets mad at you

You start scrolling through your English/Glexnor phrasebook. You try to order a vegetable fritter, but instead you say “hot oily fruit pillows to me eat, please?” The big purple chef blinks all 8 eyes in a row then retreats to the kitchen.

Your mind plays through traumatising results of what this mix up in communication might cause. You knew that eating on an alien planet might not have been the best idea, but you didn't think it could get this bad. You might have to resort to a dine and dash...

All of a sudden, Rick and Morty strut through the two glass doors, and Rick looks at a picture… ITS YOU. Then he scans his eyes around the room, as you duck under the table. Your transformation from eating the Rick and morty McDonald’s alien special meal has been given you really

bad eyesight. What you thought was a McDonalds is actually an abandoned Dairy Queen. Rick & Morty are two stray cats. The meal was truly a McDonald's alien special meal, though, because if it wasn't, you wouldn't have bad eyesight. "You should go to Lens Crafters," says a cat.

"You're probably right," you sigh, squinting at the cat—or is it a slender gopher? Honestly, now you can't trust your ears. The creature has planted the seed of doubt in you and it's growing with every blink.

The entire staff groaned as their boss began shouting orders left and right. “AND DON’T FORGET THE PICKLES THIS TIME!” he bellowed. Would the customer ever be satisfied? Would the staff ever get to take their hard earned break? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!!!

Sunny Anomaly

space food

space food: Part II

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Invisiladd

Ben Syverson

"The train approaching platform 5 is not for human use; please do not attempt to board this train."

"Oh, that's cool." I reply with a smile. "I'm not human, anyway." I wait, counting the seconds in my mind, for the astounded reaction of my guide.

"It's true", I said, "I come from a middle sized planet that orbits the star you call Alpha Centauri." Then I peeled off my human mask to reveal

my true face. Everyone around me erupted into laughter. "Why does my visage cause this?" I asked. "Dude looks like a butt," crowed a passerby. "What is a butt?" I asked. "Um," my friend hesitated, "the part of the body that we sit on." The passerby added, "It also makes dookie!"

My face then distorted and opened up. I launched shit all over the dinner table and those making fun of me. I went up to my room where I cried from my singular eye/rectum. I enter my balcony and jump.

But, as I tumbled through the air, I suddenly realized with perfect clarity that my eye was not a rectum—that was just a metaphor for toxic masculinity. “Of course!” I laughed. Unfortunately, my jump was all too real. I died as I lived: embarrassed about the mess I was leaving.

Do You Even Dookie, Bro?

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Leyre g

People trust me with their secrets—but they shouldn't.

I guess I have one of those trustworthy faces, or I'm good at making comforting small talk. People meet me and they just start telling me everything. It's very profitable.

I know it's not very cool of me to profit off of people's inner feelings, but what else can I do? Talking with people is the only thing I'm good at. And hey, if they didn't want that stuff out there they should have wrote it in a diary or something rather than telling me.

What am I doing? I should stop telling the misfortunes of others to others, in the end that the one who will feel worse is me, but it is impossible not to say it!

I finally decided to call up Georgia and tell her I’m sorry. She of course met me with a disgruntled tone and hung up. Fine, in that case I will never speak again to anyone about anything. If only that would be possible, everyone knows I can’t shut up.

I tried to put it out of my head. A few weeks and some bad behavior later, I felt the need to connect. I texted once, then I’d check regularly to see if there was a response. There wasn’t. Then, 2 days later, I saw it. I waited with my heart in my throat. 

Georgia: …

No trust

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I’m so tired of the rutine, doing the same job, walking on the same streets, eating basically the same. My heart is screaming for a change! An adventure, something!!!

I don’t make enough to need a tax office to file for me (ironically, the owner pays me cash), but if ya’ll need an accountant why the fuck do you need to be reminded by a man in a Statue of Liberty costume holding a big sign? Rhetorical question. Today I quit to find adventure.

There are a million costumes I can wear, and a million signs I can hold. But I really want to be a baker! I can mold flour and water into the staff of life.

I supposed, if the pay was good enough, I could wear a costume while I baked. Holding a sign would be more difficult; I might be able to use it as a cookie sheet but then no one could read it. Letters made of cookie doe, maybe?

That is what I’ll do! I get dressed into my sexy lingerie maid outfit and start mixing all of the ingredients. I then line out the cookie dough so it says, “Subscribe to my only fans”, when it is done baking on the metal sign. I shake my ass as I put it in the oven, when...

a strange man in denim overalls burst into the kitchen. “Been watching you for years,” he said. “They’re not ready,” I mumble, gesturing toward the oven. “There’s raw egg in the dough.” “My name’s Liam and I’m your only fan,” he said caressing my duster. “I’ll take the risk.”

Rising Dough

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Physics of Gaming

It was there and then, that I had lost the only person that I ever cared about, In that barn, near the door, with the cubblewood fence...

I didn't expect that one day this would happen, I knew that at some point he would have to leave, why did he have to leave on my birthday? I didn't even get to say goodbye to him

But, on the very small bright side, since he's gone it means I won't have to share my birthday cake with anyone anymore. I won't have anyone to play with though either, so it really sucks. Why, why'd he have to go?

They always called him funny names, like "imaginary". But he was as real as a rainbow. And like a rainbow, he has disappeared. So now I had to learn to live without Clowny C. Clownington, Esquire.

Until today when he texted me at 3am saying 'yo u up?'. That was Clowny written all over. Looking for a booty call. But enough was enough. I was not falling for this shit again. Fuck his stupid drunk texts. "Clowny, I hate you!" I screamed. A distant honk could be heard.

Closer and closer it grew, reverberating through the darkness. I felt my skin tighten with goose flesh as I ran to close and lock all the doors and windows. But it was too late. The next honk I heard came from inside the house. All I could do now was hide and pray.

The Honk in the Dark

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Once upon a time in a isolated island, where a small but prosperous kingdom existed, there was a king who was a kindhearted man, everybody loved him, except one person...

a grumpy old man who worked as a carpenter for his majesty, he usually dreamed of making use of his ancient craft to get revenge from the King he knows he hate, but doesn't remember why. One night, after dinner, an idea came to his head ...

The royal carpenter went into town and bought all the necessary supplies: twine, beeswax, two springs, and arsenic. That irritating, unjust king was going to get what was coming to him, and the princess too!

It would look like a beautiful cuckoo clock, but it would shoot a poison pellet into their mouths at the stroke of midnight.

it was an extremely unorthadox way to murder someone, but that also meant it would be less likely for the cops to find the one responsible for commiting the crime.

Perfect genius, if I do say so myself. And to take things just a step further, I pulled some strings with my buddy at the local donut shop. Any time the cops got close, he’d call the precinct and tell them they’d won free donut day. Needless to say, we were never discovered.

Carpenter’s revenge

Caz Sand

Diana Tobey

What will

The accident wasn't Meredith's fault but it was just easier for everyone to blame her.

After all, Meredith constantly had conflicts with Rose, and her fatal and tragic accident was very close to the place where they had their last discussion, in front of all of us.

Was it an accident? Or was it murder? I tossed and turned all night, replaying my interactions with Meredith and Rose. Suddenly, I remembered

a crucial fact. Rose was allergic to watermelon! So why would she be in a melon field in the first place? Very suspicious indeed.

It was possible that these were a different kind of melon to the one that made her skin itch and her throat close, but Rose doubted it. With her luck they were definitely watermelons, so she'd need to be very careful.

She took a small nibble. Whatever it was, it was pretty tasty. Another nibble. Like a refreshing splash of water, light with a sweet flavor. She paused and instinctively grabbed her phone, going straight to the contact with a watermelon emoji for the name. “Me again,” she said.

Cause of Death: Watermelon

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I never thought this day would come...a strange disease has spread throughout the entire world. People is being held in quarantine facilities to avoid exposure. Food and water are limited, even toilet paper, who would thought of that!

Not seeing the people you love the most, it was very hard, you could only see them by video call, all this was a nightmare

then suddenly Oculus came out with the new Qwest so I had to use that but my Facebook got shut down so it didn't work

It turned out I was happier without facebook. I traded my smartphone in for a flip phone. I traded my playstation in for some board games. I started going outside. I joined a volleyball league and took a cooking class. I grew a mustache and started saying "groovy" all the time.

Little did I know, that this was because I'd contracted a severe case of Oldtimidus. I was quarantined with my flip phone and boardgames for a month while I died a slow, painful and lonely death. Don't let the same happen to you! Embrace this generation and its amenities!

I paged the beeper of my old pal Bert. When he pulled up in his Dodge Stratus I knew that stepping into his car meant leaving behind contemporary culture and going whole hog on the past. I looked at Bert’s pine-scented air freshener with great comfort and opened the door.

Quarantine

Today is the cheerleading tournament. I am so nervous! I know we practiced a lot...the jumps, the dance...the moves...but still I can’t feel at ease. If we win this we will be able to go to the finals in Whynot, NC, I am so excited!

Me and the girls are walking to the event, what a beautiful day! the sun is reflecting on the roofs, flowers seem more alive than any other day, it feels like the whole world knew this is an important day. We are chatting and laughing when suddenly I get a call.

"Is this Riley Cole?" the voice inquired. Immediately, I feel a cold sweat spreading across my brow. How could someone still know me by that name? I looked down at my girls with a nervous smile. "Who wants to know?" I ask into the phone. Mentally, I begin packing for a long trip.

I was the heir to the Cole family business, and raised to be a Cole Slaw Queen. But I turned my back on that life. If you knew what I knew about commercial cabbage farms, you'd understand my choice to go underground.

But you don't. So now we are all happily in our own places, with all of you eating Cole Slaw and me eating hushpuppies. They go better with fish, anyway.

I ate the hush puppies, all thirty-five of them. Turns out I had discovered the limit of what my stomach deemed acceptable. I spent the night in agony.

The Cole Slaw Chronicles

LAYONYA ♡

Annabelle annabellechase333@gmail.com

There seemed to be enough space in-between us, but this was the first time I’d ever sat next to a human being.

They were smellier than I had imagined. Back on my home planet Xeroth, I had specialized in Human Behavior. I thought I was prepared. Now sitting next to my first one, I froze. “The name’s Darrel”, the human said. “Looks like we’re travel
buddies!”

My eyes watering, I ran through the tooth baring ritual known as a “smile”. Suppressing a cough, I said “Darrel, it’s nice to smell you. Uh, ah, to meet you! Sorry!” As he frowned I said, “sorry, I’m from Brunei, my English is not smelling? OK?”

Darrel chortled, his expression softening a bit. "Ah! Well, that certainly explains a lot. Not to worry."

"So, it's really okay?" Maria asked, still a little unsure. "It's okay that I bring five hundred sink plungers with me?"

“Yes Maria! You have to follow your destiny! Is the only way you will become the best plumber in town”...Maria was so surprised, her eyes watered and a big smile was painted on her face.

Smell you later

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Zoe Becker

Jerry glanced down at the photograph in his hand, then back up again at the woman sitting alone at the back of the cafe.

He noticed that the woman was quite similar to the one in the photo, except a little older. Could it be the same person?

All at once a blinding light coursed through the space. Jerry and the woman froze. And then a creature appeared, seemingly from the air itself.

With a smile Jerry approached, petting the creature on the head. The woman smiled with him. They were all together at last, and they would finally have peace.

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