Joey Pepperoni and The Conspiracy of Pizza Ninjas

Joe puts a pizza into the oven, and he has a gun (I don't know why). It was this really cool gun that could shoot five hundred rounds with only a few! Truly a technological marvel to be wielded, and by such a simple man! We mortals can only imagine the kind of power he possesses!

This simple man had a simple plan: to rid the city of its biggest threat: the dreaded cyber zombies! They came from the server rooms at Gorgle, and spread to the fields of Mikerosoft, and beyond! They’re unstoppable! What hope do we have? Only the simple man can save us! Oh noes!

Simple man’s next move was to recruit. But how? Online would be risky; Cyzombs were good with computers. Luckily, SM wasn’t. Instead he knew a blackmarket Office Depot, and blanketed the city with flyers. When the reptilian masterminds saw, fear took them - they knew the prophecy

that they will be taken down by Legion, by Anonymous, who does not forgive, who does not forget. The flyers read, “The tyrannical tyrannosaurus shall fall, once and for all.” They knew the poster was referring to the Illuminati elite, and shook in fear. The Age of Man has dawned.

Patty looked across the table at her cousin Philip. They both stifled a laugh. Aunt Connie, who they called “Connie-spiracy” was at it again. Patty wondered how she’d react to the new 5G tower being built across the street.

They wouldn't have to wait long to find out. After Aunt Connie finished her mimosa, she started spouting her latest theory. "You know why it's called 5G, don't you? G is for George, as in Soros, & 5 is for 5, as in Johnny 5 from 'Short Circuit'—a war robot! The new tower will

usher in the age of robots. Well, 1/2 robot, 1/2 patriots. The endgame. There will be nothing left— just socialist zombie robot men and pizza shop dungeons. You mark my—“ A single shot rang out from a laser gun. A neat pile of dust and a copper bracelet sat where Connie had been.

“Well, well, well, Connie!” a figure stepped out from the dust, “You’ve just been cremated — by the Crematinator! Best grab an urn, because that’s gotta burn!” An audible gasp came out. Isn’t that… “Doofus Schmidt!” “Please, call me… Doctor!” “Well you did poorly — for a doctor!”

The laughing track played and I moved to commit the next action, but pounding came to the door. I pushed up my Oculus VR, my heart pummeling my chest. My legs are numb. Like in the cyber-zombies chapter, the pounding happens again, so loud this time that the door might bust down.

“Your pizza is here!!” A voice was heard from the outside, but I didnt order a pizza. That made me suspicious, so instead of opening the door I ran upstairs to look for a weapon. Something strange was happening and I needed to be ready to defend myself.

My weapon, a fake katana stolen from my brother's bedroom wall, was grasped unsteadily in my shaking hands. "I didn't order a pizza!" I yelled through the door. No reply. I held the blade across my body like I had seen on my brother's Kill Bill poster and tried to catch my breath

A shadowy figure burst through the door and took a giant throwing star out of their pizza box and hurled it at me. With the patience and precision of a samurai, I sliced the star in two. My assailant ran away in terror. The “fake” katana was real all along. I knelt in reverence.