The Metapodmemes

Jay Knowles

Sean King

Benjamin Chandler

Jacob Sherman

Robin Devereaux-Nelson

English

The castle was extremely damp. Human feces could be smelled everywhere. A rat scurried away as a feminine shadow approached a wooden door. The woman held her breath.

She grabbed the knob and twisted it, and with a creak the door swung open. Ah, to do one’s business in the privacy of a basement. She lifted up her skirt, pulled down her undergarment and let loose a fiery storm of more feces on the basement floor, fulfiling the Rickian prophecy.

Suddenly, the lights came on, and she heard many voices yell “Surprise!” Although most of them didn’t finish the word. There was a very awkward incredibly long moment as they all looked at her squatting on the dirt floor. Finally she said “give a girl a little privacy, please?”

As the guests abashedly dispersed, they left their gifts on a table in the foyer. When the girl was done with her mud-based ablutions, she opened the gifts alone. Most of the presents seemed to be hints about her hygiene. She got toothbrushes, lady's razors, & shampoo, but 1 gift

had her screaming with joy. She unwrapped it, and sure enough, it was long… and big! Just what she’d always wanted. From then on she mostly stayed in her room with the door locked, only coming out to eat. On one hand her parents were quite worried, but on the other hand, uh well…

…how could you really be worried when your only child attempts reading the biggest book in the world?

Big Stinky Infodump

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Damaskox

Her eyes were about to close out of tiredness. She sat deep in her armchair, watching a show from a small television. The trailer around her creaked once in a while. It was nighttime.
A loud falling noise made the woman jump in panic. She looked around to see, what was the cause.

Then a crash. Something fell off the table. She put the item back and went back to watching TV. Then another crash. Must have been the wind, she thought. This time she put it in the drawer. Can’t fall off now, could it? She was mistaken.

The drawer collapsed out of the desk and crashed to the floor. It shattered into splinters. Something clearly didn’t want to be put away.

A disgruntled meow came from within the desk. It somehow knew I was going to take it to the vet. It wasn’t an ordinary visit, it knew I was going to have it put down. But it’s something I have to do, I protested. It meowed again begging for its life. I can’t see you in such pain…

I opened the desk & reached into the drawer, but found not my sickly cat, but a mynah bird. "Meow," went the bird. "Where's my sick cat?" I wondered aloud. The mynah seemed to shrug, then tapped a note on my desktop. It read: "Dear Owner, I have left. My bird pal Flu will be your

new acquaintance. 
Signed, Garfield.”

… “I hope your friend doesn’t starve these days”, I say eerily to the bird.

The bird looked at me and chuckled. “Look Dude,” he said. “Don’t you get it? The dead can’t starve.”

Poltergarf

Sunny Anomaly

Sam Becker

The 20th of April had come at long last, I looked at my joint and I gave it a blast, I travelled so high in the sky oh so fast, visions of wonder and shadows were cast.

Then came 4/21, which was much, much less fun. The buzz was lifting but I still smelled the sun. My mother spoke German; my father? Swahili. The houseplant kept flirting & calling, "Come feel me!" What was in that joint, I wondered aloud. The answer? It came from a radical cloud.

Radical Cloud is the finest dispensary in all of Cape Cod. They are open 7 days a week, 12 months a year. But they weren’t open that day.

The employees were too busy high off their minds to function properly. “Yo dude,” one of them said, “when you wait for the waiter…” “Go on…” “Does that not make you the waiter?” “Bro…” They went and ate all the cookies in the store. “This some serious quality stuff bro.”

Their joy did not last, as a buff black man with an apron had walked in from the back door. 

“That will be $932.74 with taxes”, he says, clearly a little irritated.

At these words, they all frantically started searching their pockets, some of them whispering silent curses. Then, one of them went red and started giggling. “I don’t suppose I can pay in Monopoly money?” he said, revealing the two orange $500 bills he still held from game night.

Weed Better Run

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Robin Devereaux

The screaming had finally stopped. James crawled to the window and carefully raised himself up from the floor and peeked out the dingy pane. Outside dusk was falling, and a light snow had begun to coat the trees and buildings. James licked his dry, cracked lips and shivered. He

drew air into his lungs, swallowed it whole, and released a mighty shout with all his strength, strong enough to rival the previous one. Then the screaming started again. The moon rose into the night sky. It was a full moon. Their screams were joined with howling from the bushes.

The werepeople joined the fray, eager to support their mythical brethren. “Werewolves and treefolk used to fight as one,” the leader—covered head to toe in silver fur—remarked. The two sides joined up and marched as one through the night.

Werefolk, merfolk, woodsprites, gnomes, ogres, trolls: we all want the same thing. A healthy world to live in. What is killing our world? Humans. We need to unite and stop humanity.

And so, pointing the sword at the uncompromising bipods, they marched to the capital. They confronted the human army by digging a large hole, upon which the walls fell. The humans and humanoids were in a precarious situation. The hole in the wall was a bottleneck for both armies.

That was until a most intelligent talking orange came with a brilliant solution to end the war, once and for all. The budget? Just a measly one dollar. With unanimous support, he went to the border wall and plugged it with a brick. All in all, it’s just another brick in the wall.

Another Brick in the Wall

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They sat in a circle, legs crossed and arms outstretched. In the center was a comb, a brush, and a tub of pomade. "We beseech you, please grant our wishes for glorious body hair. Grant us the mustaches, beards, and back hair we seek. Please, Hairy Fairy, work your magic upon us!"

Hairy Fairy, very scary, once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. “Bloody Mary, very scary!” Only this and nothing more. Scary Hairy Fairy Mary came out like a little genie. Wishes granted, all of you!

Larry looked at the suspicious clown. “Fairy Mary doesn’t exist”, he says with an audacious frown. “Pretty sure we’ve never got something here that make our hearts pound.”

"D-doesn't exist?" said the clown. "Yes," said Larry, "she was invented to sell Cherry Fairy Hairspray. She's just a corporate character." The clown went home. He flopped on his bed & stared at the shrine of Fairy Mary pictures he'd cut out from magazines & tacked to the ceiling.

After a moment of quiet contemplation he pulled out his shiny clown horn and squeezed it slowly. A sad honk echoed around the bare room. Suddenly, with a flash and a pop, a tiny fairy appeared over where he lay on his bed. “Hi I’m Nuff” the fairy squeaked to him. The clown smiled

, much with joy and glee. “Oh please, dear fairy, can’t you see, I want an end to my misery!” But the fairy sat down and said, “That’s e-Nuff!” She told him of all the wonderful things he had done, of the children that laugh at his many acts… The clown let out a much amused honk.

The Follicle Follies

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us today. We know you’re busy, and promise what we are about to share will be worth your valuable time. What you are about to see will change the world. I present to you, the.…

Um, the… Now what was it again? Now it is a life changing invention and it is worth every penny! Once you use it you will never want to go back. Truly the greatest invention in all of human history, since sliced bread! Now let me show you its features…

Its features are as follows: it will change the world and greatly improve your life! Now can I get a big round of applause… Yes you, man in the front seat? Oh, what this big invention is? Well it’s right here on this stage, right now! Marvel at its genius! Gaze upon the machine!

The man in the audience stood up slowly, his gaze on the man on stage unwavering. The audience gasped at his full height- more than seven feet, some calculated. When he spoke, his voice boomed over the heads of the crowd causing them to cringe. “Charlatan!”

The performer stared at him. Within seconds, he had already jumped 6 meters into the air. He tries to land a kick on the onlooker. The audacious audience member had almost gotten a kick in the pelvis, but backed off quickly.

The stage buckled under the performer's landing, splintering into 18,000 wood chips that buried the acrobat. The audience rushed to dig him out. After hours of work, they found the performer still alive, but with both of his legs broken. His career as the Great Kickdini was over.

What Is It?

Zoe Becker

Jerry glanced down at the photograph in his hand, then back up again at the woman sitting alone at the back of the cafe.

“Did I get the wrong person?” Jerry asks, doubting himself a little. He could not risk his cover getting blown.

All at once a blinding light coursed through the space. Jerry and the woman froze. And then a creature appeared, seemingly from the air itself.

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The Metapodmemes
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