All was quiet in the Musick household save for a mechanical hum emanating from the attic. A keen observer watching from the across street might have noticed jet black clumps of material gently tumbling out of the chimney onto fresh, powdery snow.

Deep off the coast, in the treacherous hills of Retrium, a close-knit band of developers, designers, and product owners huddled around a crackling fire in the dead of night. As was tradition, each member came prepared with criticisms and praise necessary to improve the tribe.

Cookie duster, dirt squirrel, lip luggage, nose neighbor, face lace, mouth brow, or simply the prosaic stache. While they go by many names, not all mustaches are created equal. This is the tale of a particular soup strainer that changed the world—and the man it rode in on.

Sit back in your coziest chair, in front of your warmest hearth, and prepare yourself for this most ghoulish tale of one feline's harrowing journey from chonk to fine boi—cause oh lawd it's comin'.

"Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me," said the Godfrather. "But until that day, consider this justice a gift on my daughter's wedding day. A fravor, if you will."

Fall had come early to Belleville. Julian swept the leaves from his stoop and flipped the sign adorning his bodega from CLOSED to OPEN. He hadn't made it to the deli counter by the time a shadowy figure burst through the door. "How fresh is your chicken salad?" she asked gravely.

Karen flipped idly through her alphabetized record collection, settling quickly on the B’s as she so often did. She’d met the most incredible person this morning and there was only one crooner who would understand. She chose the most well-worn album and gently removed the sleeve.

The phone rang, loud and reverberating, the way only rotary phones do. Becky raced to pick it up only to be beaten by Valsecchi, who'd already been sitting at her desk since the early morning hours, sleuthing her latest models. "Becky and Valsecchi," she said.

Three stubby sheep with fire red wool convened atop a majestic mountain at daybreak just as they had many times before. As they began their hushed incantations storm clouds rushed in and a nebulous being emerged—a swirling mass of wind and wool known to all sheep kind: Sheepnado.

Many moons ago, before the beginning of time itself, an ageless being was thrust onto the cosmic stage. A swirling mass—of youth, hair, FIFA, and recreational boating—asserted its rightful place in the universe. Before Eve, there was Adam.

Light poured through the canopy of the verdant glen, dancing upon the heads of Teri, Tabby, and Tim—the elder squirrels of the Acorn Clan. They came together on this crisp spring morning in order to discuss an issue of solemn significance.

The bustling street was alive with caroling and commerce. Snow had just begun to fall when two unmistakably eccentric old timers, Evelyn and Ebert, entered from the South end with plans and props in tow, chomping at the bit to rain mischief down on a town that didn’t accept them.

The forest shook with explosive energy. Before the dust settled, herds of feathered ankle-high dinosaurs scurried out. "It's happening," Amelia said, craning her neck to see beyond the treetops. Lenny bent down to examine the river of lizard birds flowing through his legs.

Tom and his co-conspirators made it through one last wall of evergreen and into a clearing. Out of breath, all three scanned the night sky before setting their sights on a majestic lighthouse, far in the distance.