Frather of the Bride

"Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me," said the Godfrather. "But until that day, consider this justice a gift on my daughter's wedding day. A fravor, if you will."

You can hear the wedding festivities just outside of the study doors. It sounds like bottles of Prosecco endlessly popping, the soft melody of distant church bells, and, unbelievably, bunnies squeaking. The Godfrather dismisses you, and you are happy to forget the fravor for now

As you step outside of the study with a pile of books from The Godfrather, it dawns on you. Shit! The church bells. The Prosecco bottles. Especially the bunnies. Those are for you. "How could I have fragotten? Shit shit SHIT!" You race home with the fravor a distant memory.

As you run in the house you realize you left your dress for your big day at the dry cleaners! You race towards your closet, you must have something you can wear! You don't want to have to spray paint your body gold like the Frascars!

Determined to not let this snafu ruin your big day, you decide to improvise. A couple old shirts and dresses, some scissors and a lot of vino is all you need to right this ship. As you finish your first glass make the first cut, the doorbell rings.

Startled, you drop the glass and scissors on your foot. You look down and see nothing but red. Blood or wine? There's no time. You grab the bottle by the neck and head for the door. "Am I wearing pants?" you think to yourself as you pull it open with a great creak. "Oh lawd..."

Tumbling through the door, bottle of wine in hand and pantless you start to run. Clomp. Clomp. Clomp. You’re not moving! You realize that you’re on a treadmill. How did this happen?!

Pantless, drinking wine, and treadmilling - any one of those is daily common occurrence, but all three at once? Now that's a real dog's lasagna! There could only be ONE possible explanation (within reasonable statistical certainty of course), "OMG" she shouted as she realized...

She had just made herself into the ultimate canine snack. For her own safety, she put down her glass and began pacing around her room in an attempt to calm herself down. "Oh, I... um ... I'm sorry," she started as she stared back at the empty coffee cup.

"Think, dammit" she muttered to herself. What was she going to do with all of this bacon? It had seemed like such a good idea to cook 18 lbs of bacon the day before the big brunch, but now she had to figure out a way to make it from her room to the buffet w/o becoming a chew toy.

In her closet she found her traveling suitcase. "This will have to do", she mused to herself as she lined the luggage with parchment paper. Layering in the 18 lbs of bacon, she clicked the little Samsonite lock shut. Leaving her room, she heard the dogs outside salivating.

“On second thought,” she pondered to herself, “Lady Gaga wore a meat dress of her own a few years ago. Maybe bacon is too derivative”. She dumped the contents of the suitcase out the window as the dogs descended. “So... poultry or seafood?” she asked herself.

It didn’t have to be either/or. “Chicken of the sea!”, she yelled as she followed the suitcase out the window. Her PhD in Astrophysics told her that she would survive the jump. Her success on “So You Think You Can Dance?” ensured she’d stick the landing and look good doing it.

With grace and gravitas, Fra landed the jump on the tarmac. To her surprise, her lover stood there as if expecting her. What he said next, she'll never forget...

May our lives together be ever filled with ❤️ and ☀️.