Roadmunk, Our Lord and Savior

The bustling street was alive with caroling and commerce. Snow had just begun to fall when two unmistakably eccentric old timers, Evelyn and Ebert, entered from the South end with plans and props in tow, chomping at the bit to rain mischief down on a town that didn’t accept them.

The duo moved with a deftness that belied their age, their bag of props distilled to its essentials. Their Northward trek left a trail of pranks, the two were determined to leave their mark on this town. After years of living in the shadows Evelyn and Ebert were ready to shine.

As they approached the bright Vegas lights, the duos' eyes were drawn to a billboard in the distance. Could it be? Could their prop comedy hero and the world's greatest prankster be hosting a one night only show at the Luxor? In unison, they exclaimed "Carrot Top live?!?!"

"Cash only...hmm..we might sadly have to miss it. I doubt you'll still find the money in your bank. The funds have probably been transferred to a tax haven country. I'm quite familiar with this type of laundering scheme from my days in MI6. I remember one most intriguing case..."

In 1983 I was tracking a Yakuza money laundering scam in Tottenham that took me all the way to Hawaii. I paired with a real buggar of a local P.I. there, whose formality matched his loosely buttoned Hawaiian shirt. He also somehow had a Ferrari...which ended up saving my life...

The Ferrari was named Stephanie.

Stephanie could be challenging at times. Moody and unpredictable. Expensive tastes. High maintenance.

The embodiment of her upbringing, Stephanie often caught herself lashing out at the help. Constantly blaming and cursing out her inattentive mother, when things went awry. Stephanie’s only focus now was to get away from the shadows of her family’s wealth.

Her father, a titan of the edible headwear industry, bemoaned her commitment to journalism and constantly pressured her to join the family business. The money was tempting, but gummy sombreros and ground beef fedoras never excited her. Besides, she knew this story would be big.

So she set out on the open road, notebook in hand, hot on the trail of the biggest scoop of her career. She took the Segway, because she wasn’t too proud, and it would make her father furious. It was only a few hundred miles to Area 51, where her source would be waiting.

Her first glimpse of Area 51 was a dated "Authorized personal only" a few miles off the road. Her source told her to drive past it, about 3 miles until she saw an abandoned old shack where he would be waiting. Sure enough, it was there. Her hands trembled as she opened the door.

Inside was a number of bio-machines that were kept stationary, and two large, white armored vehicles. Her mood quickly changed when she noticed the area's design.

“Jesus.”, she said aloud without thinking. “Yes?” a deep voice answered from behind her.

And that’s when she realized, the roadmunk was behind her.