Mark n’ Tony

I’m Mark Hamill, but you can call me Dr. Hamill. That Star Wars character? Not related. Welcome to my office. Every patient in here has a unique story, and I reply to each and every one of them with “Interesting”. Let’s start our therapy session, shall we?

It’s tough having a famous name, but I’ve had the name longer than he has, so that gives me seniority. I’ve “autographed” a few things for people, for a lark. I sincerely hope none of them sell that stuff on eBay. I really should’ve thought that through. Oh well.

I mean, it’s not like Tony Shaloub is an uncommon name. Honestly there are probably more of us with the name.

I mean, ladies & gentlemen of the jury, I'm absolutely certain that there are other Tony Shaloubs who accidentally get the actor's residual cheques & cash them too. I mean, you think a big time celebrity like Mr. Shaloub misses money from his work on "Wings" or "Men in Black"?

“He does not miss the money, because the regular checks for $0.12 fill him with a righteous fury which he channels into charitable work in northern Mongolia. How, I say, how will the children there learn with such a big part of Mr. Shaloub’s motivation squashed?”

“Well Shaloub on my schleem!” Tony Shaloub screamed, clutching a slimy spicy salami. For the uninitiated, schleem is the material added to a rolled dinglebop during the production process of a plumbus. I should know, I got it from Interdimensional Cable.

And that was Tony, always bragging about his knowledge of plumbusi, which was a pain to all of us in

the restaurant as we not only didn't care in the slightest, but he would always bring it up whenever he got the chance! What even was "plumbusi" anyway? Nothing even came up when I googled it, so I'm pretty sure Tony's making all of it up.

We went to the restaurant anyway and were shocked to see that the "plumbusi" was an blue slug-like alien cuisine. Tony bit into it and fell in love with the dish. I did too. This was the best food I've ever tasted. I was sorry for doubting Tony. I had a new favorite restaurant.