Sam Becker

Zoe Becker

Rietje Becker

Michael Becker

Jack Becker

Maddie HH

Emily Becker

Aleksandr Pevtsov

Nancy Becker

Richard Becker

Sampson Seraphim

Benjamin Chandler

English

The sky was overcast but the mood in the Goldberg household was bright and warm. All the traditions and rituals were being dutifully followed except for one which was being radically reimagined by the black sheep of the family.

He wasn’t like the other kids. While his friends chased squirrels behind the barn, like normal boys, he was busy gluing googly eyes onto inanimate objects around his home, for reasons he couldn’t articulate. Now he’d put his skills to good use this Thanksgiving.

That day he went to the grocery store, bought five pumpkins, two squash and ten lemons. The shopkeeper asked him if he had a special recipe in mind. He smiled knowing he did- a recipe for deceit. When he got home he took out the googly eyes and applied them to his purchases.

This required care and imagination. His gourd-family dream was finally materializing, and he didn’t want to rush anything.

And so, with a delicata squash in one hand and a decorative pumpkin in the other, the eldest Goldberg crept to the kitchen sink eager to try her hand at the family’s namesake recipe. Out of her gourd she’d awoken and to that state she’d return, knife in hand, passion in heart.

Cackling wildly, she attacked the gourds, slashing and scooping their tender innards. To this monstrous mash, she added the secret ingredient: googly eyes. Then, murmuring softly to herself an ancient incantation, she waited.

And then, ever so slowly, a hologram began to shimmer in the starlight. She questioned if the quivering hairs of a sloth were just in her imagination. Was this too good to be true?

The sloth, in all of its glory with Steve Buscemi-like googly eyes was staring at her. She swallowed her pride and slowly approached him. Was he a friend or foe? There was only one way to find out…

She extended her arm, not knowing what to expect - would he bare his teeth and snarl and charge or slither across and hang peacefully by his tail? Her calming demeanor made all the difference. Not only did he amble over - but his 5 offspring followed suit

The six of them—dad and his she-pups—gathered at her feet. Thankfully, they seemed contented. But slowly, their sweet calm melted, yielding to terrifying growls, as if to say “What have you done with our dear mother ?” If they learned the sordid truth, this could turn violent.

Suddenly, their questions were answered. From the upstairs bedroom came a startling sound; first there was a wooden thud, then the sound of sand pouring down the staircase. The group’s terror turned into disbelief when they realized it wasn’t sand but the burnt ashes of Lucy.

The Gourdbergs

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Sasha Pevtsov

The Lazarus Motel had remained in the family for three generations. While its looks had faded, it was impeccably clean and often full. Sarah Lazarus, the newest full-time manager, had only just turned off the blue NO VACANCY sign when a beat up minivan drove in from the snow.

She did a double take. The minivan looked eerily familiar. The broken left hubcap. The right headlight that was dimmer than the rest. The fuzzy purple dice that hung off the mirror. It was unmistakable. But what was it doing at her hotel, at this hour?

Her cousin had always had questionable taste, but Doreen was the worst of of his never-ending collection of ladyfriends. Her minivan could only mean one thing-her cousin had returned. And was likely looking to talk to her about what happened the night he left town.

He tore out of town under a cloud leaving a twisted trail of clues of the evening’s indiscretions in her van — the tangle of jumper cables, the suspicious carpet stain in the payload, crumbled Ring-Ding wrappings, the deep claw marks. This man was doubtless cursed with demons.

And clearly, one of those demons materialized - how that mama bear found her way into the minivan was anyone’s guess. The previous occupant’s shenanigans culminated with a frantic free for all! Thank God no one got hurt.

And who would have guessed that a thousand pound grizzly bear would be so proficient at parallel parking a minivan ?

He was very happy to be down to a thousand pounds. He has been doing paleo and working out, to drop his weight from two thousand pounds. He is proud of his achievements, without that dedication he would have never been able to fit into the minivan.

But fit in the minivan he did. Cristobal the domesticated hippo was firmly strapped in beside his surrogate mother Connie and on their way to Six Flags for his third birthday when the memory of his real mother flashed before his eyes

She was a fat, lumpy vision of a hippo, with the biggest heart in the savannah. One minute she was wallowing in a mud flat; the next she was flat on her back, tranquilized by a team of animal control officers who considered her habit of snacking on wildlife photographers a crime!

She woke up in a twin bed in a familiar yet depressing room. The walls were beige and the art was nondescript. Her hippo body felt different, and she looked down to find hairy human legs. She rolled over in bed to read the stationery sitting beside her: “The Lazarus Motel.”

A Hippo Happening

Sean King

Ask any kid in town and they’ll tell you McDougall Mansion is the spookiest house in the neighborhood. They’ll also tell you that all its original inhabitants perished mere weeks after moving in, having drowned, allegedly, in a boating accident on the pond bordering the property.

Each year, on All Hallows Eve, neighbors would report screams and mysterious activity. Often times one would see shadows where they do not belong, or watery foot prints on the wooden floors. All this was news to the Smiths, the latest home buyers.

But one Sunday morning little Katie Smith stepped out of bed and her little bare feet tip-tapped on the creaky wooden floor. She was careful to not wake her parents. She went to wake up her brother, but instead of finding him in bed, she discovered a surly raccoon in his place.

A squeaky voice emerged from the bassinet. “Don’t be afraid, Katie. It’s me, Louis.” Katie jumped back with alarm. A talking raccoon? What happened to her baby brother? This creepy old house was to blame, she was sure of it.

To Katie’s surprise, the creepy old house was NOT to blame. The voices were literally in her head, for she hadn’t slept in 48 hours. She was busy researching her old Highland Park High School classmates on LinkedIn, letting out a scoff of superiority at every bartender she saw.

Katie’s graphic design career gave her the freedom to attend a bar without working there but her current client angst has kept her up for two days now - that and the nonstop activity of her McDougall Mansion co-inhabitants

Katie has been up for 2 days because every time she closed her eyes she would see the McDougall Mansion apparition. She was a scientific woman, however the haunted mansion occupied her mind. Was it a demon? Ghost? Spirit? Aliens? There was only one way to find out...

Immediately Katie hit the interwebs to suss out Fact vs Fiction. A series of QAnon forums seemed to put it all into focus. It would seem the apparition was nothing more than a deep state surveillance bot meant to suppress freedom of thought. Or was it?

It was. Comforted, Katie snapped her laptop shut and climbed into bed. Her eyes fluttered as she fell into a deep slumber. Outside, in the depths of the night, the raccoons were watching and waiting. They were hungry.

And while Katie dreamt of Dove bars and rainbow unicorns, the dozen intermittently-fasting carnivorous nocturnals conspired to break their morning fast in an unseemly, yes grisly, way. But as day breaks, she backs her SUV out the driveway and reduces them to furry pancakes.

Raccoon Lagoon

Julian Mansilla

“GO CUBBIES,” the hefty man belted at his TV. Even as the pandemic raged on, Sean insisted on drinking an entire 12-pack during every Cubs game and storming into Sluggers. “This is the Chicago dream,” he thought one night, surveying his 6-bedroom, 10 roommate apartment on Roscoe.

Yes, he was 37 and still lived with 9 roommates, and yes, he insisted on shotgunning 4 more beers after all his friends had stopped drinking hours ago, but Sean knew what made him happy. And he was about to turn a new leaf in his life.

So what if he still wore his wedding ring and would regularly ramble on about the wife and three children he had abandoned? He wanted to be the first male Radio City Rockette, and that required sacrifice.

His wife (he still called her that, they were still legally married after all) never supported his Big Apple dreams. She said his pear-shaped body and thick, intense mat of body hair wouldn’t work in those tight costumes, but he begged to differ. And he would prove her wrong.

In fact, his body hair proved to be more of an asset than either of them ever imagined. His first day in New York he booked multiple commercials for hair removal cream. Things were finally looking up. And his ex wife would have to move on.

Riding the 6 train while carrying Tina Fey’s “Bossypants” in his hand, he started to feel like this is where his life would really begin. These are the early moments he would reference on stage at the Oscars when he accepted his award from Barron Trump. That is until, he saw her.

They exchanged glances across the car as the train creaked into Grand Central, but he lost sight of her in the crowd as they exited into the terminal. He was certain she was gone, until he spun and found himself face to face with her. “I’m 50,” he said, hand extended. “50 Cent.”

The Bicoastal Dream

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The crew set down their bikes and slowly inched toward the fence, each kid wanting to be furthest behind. Once close enough, what they saw was exactly what they were expecting. Tied to the fence was a doll, the size of a toddler, with a grimacing pumpkin in place of its head.

The crew recoiled in shock and horror at this hideous Halloween-themed nightmare with its bulbous pumpkin head and all—then things worsened as they glanced to its ill-formed extremities. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say at least three of them needed fresh underwear.

On the way to the car, where they keep their spare underpants, they couldn’t help but feel as though the creature’s eyes were still upon them. Daring them to look back. Marvin instinctively turned around and screamed. His body tensed and grew hairier than it had ever been.

At first, Marvin's hair follicles simply proliferated to parts of his body that had previously been bare. But once uniform coverage took place, the color changed from brown to vibrant polychrome. At once, the predator, with fear in their eye, retreated meekly into the shadows.

The predator, a once proud and brave, was now having a receding of his hairline and now he truly was bald eagle. He was mesmerized and felt vulnerable when he saw the beautiful locks on Marvins body. Does he shampoo? Condition? Both? So many questions ran through his head...

Meanwhile, Marvin was paying no attention whatsoever to the forlorn, balding figure admiring his plumage from afar. He was too busy worrying about his own insecurities, foremost among which was his bizarre fixation on his inability to lay an egg. Oh, how he wanted to lay an egg!

Marvin, unlike his famous father Horton, couldn't lay an egg but Esmerelda, the aforementioned forlorn, balding figure, was to become his savior. Together, the two lovesick Emu's were about to lay, not one egg, but twelve!

12 emu chicks. Infinite possibilities. What would this new life look like for them?

Before they could embark on this new journey, they looked back to survey what remained of their old life: a chicken carcass, a shoe, some half eaten tuna salad — just as one would expect from reading this story. As they were about to turn away, a glimmer caught their eye.

A silvery fish removed itself from a nearby stream and was scooting its way toward the pair. “You wouldn’t leave without a dip first, no?” So, the couple, seeing no alternative, followed this curious fish back to its home, and joined him in the watery depths.

Shorn of Plenty

Raybo Teeny

As he hit ENTER, he closed his eyes. “Hi! How’s it going?” read the Slack message, the first in what Terrance hoped would be a long and beautiful conversation history. Some day they would read these messages back, but for now there was just eye contact at the cold brew keg.

He was convinced she’d been sending him signs. Eye contact held a little too long. Too many excuses to walk by his desk and coyly brush his chair. Terrance was done waiting. He eagerly awaited her Slack reply.

His fingers rapped his desk with vigor. Sure. The age difference was concerning to some. Though not to a man who found himself, more often than expected of a recent college graduate, perusing GILF categories of adult websites. Back to slack. "Gloria is typing" popped up in grey.

Gloria winked in Terrance’s direction. He blushed in his green scrubs. Across the crowded retirement home cafeteria, it was clear their love was taking shape. Gloria pushed her pill bottles aside and grabbed her walker. Joy at last.

The Crypt Keeper

Mildred rolled over in bed just enough to read the digital alarm clock sitting on her nightstand. When she saw how late it was she slowly rolled to her other side and began putting on a fluffy pair of slippers adorned with goat heads. The bed groaned under her significant weight.

With her feet well-slippered, Mildred shuffled her large figure into the bathroom, where she began her morning routine. She pulled out her face paints, and got to work.

She applied her emerald eye shadow with a heavy hand. It was the look she preferred. ‘Battle paint’ she thought, as she got up and walked to the closet. Mildred was not a slight woman, finding the right outfit each day gave her agita. Not today, she thought, with a smile.

In one swift movement, she picked up the furry costume and heaved it over her body. She glanced back to the mirror, proud of what she had become and almost too excited to look. Finally Mildred felt free. Free to leave her human body and assume that of her true self: ALF.

It was a hot and muggy June afternoon, perhaps not the best timing to be riding a bike wearing an ALF costume, but that was no matter. She had a job interview to make, and this was not one she was going to screw up.

ALF costume was a terrible choice in hot and muggy Mississippi heat. She had drops of sweat dripping from her brow and upper lip. She could taste it, but she could also taste the job. It was victorious triumph that she was after... if only her boss was ok with sweaty employees.

Being the Extraterrestrial Mascot of the Mississippi Melmacs was a dream come true! The much maligned sweat came with the territory. She was ready to show everyone her true talents. Ready or not - it was her chance to take center stage.

There was just one little problem: the costume didn't fit. The tentacles engulfed her limbs; the antennae flopped comically into her eyes. Every time she tried to launch into the signature Melmac Shuffle, she found herself careening head over heels -- antennae over tentacles.

But all was not lost. Her baby sister Kelsey was in the audience, enrapt by the mysterious movements of her big sister, following along with her own smaller limbs in the darkness of the auditorium and its plush, oversized seats. In time, she would become a dancer herself.

Fast forward 10 years—in that very same theater—Kelsey stands astride the proscenium, awaiting her entry cue. She rearranges her fur boa, adjusts her skimpy bodice and begins swaying to the music’s rhythm. Now, the scantily clad chorus line parts for Kelsey’s maiden performance.

Dressed to Impress

Celia Kaufer

Jeff Jones

Lucy trotted across the wooden floors sniffing and licking every few steps. At last! She saw a pair of sturdy human feet by the kitchen table. She walked up right behind the unknowing feet, and patiently waited for her next adrenaline rush.

At her age, she longed for the chance to feel something. Anything. She braced herself for impact. The wandering feet toppled her over instantly and Lucy scrambled across the floor. She was just getting started.

Meanwhile, the sound of a loud knock on the front window pierced throughout the house. Zoe gingerly walked to the front door with Lucy following closely behind, and none of them could figure out why a neighboring resident was peering in angrily outside.

She scooped Lucy into her arms for security and began the descent. By the time she reached the door, Lucy had fallen asleep leaving Zoe to address what was on the other side.

With Lucy in one hand and her nunchuck in the other, Zoe silently crept across the room to retrieve her running shoes. They were hiding, she knew, but just how fast could they run?

At that moment, Lucy chose to emit her first noise in a decade. Her tiny furry body shook with the strength it took to awaken her vocal cords. “Stop now!” she called out in perfect English. Zoe stopped in her tracks.

Just as Lucy was miraculously compelled to speak, Zoe lost all vocal abilities. Instead, all she could produce was a faint whimper; she also had a sudden itch in her left ear that she was unable to reach with her limbs. Onlookers gasped as they understood what had taken place.

Sampson Seraphim
@sampsonseraphim

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Sampson Seraphim@sampsonseraphim

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