The Gourdbergs

The sky was overcast but the mood in the Goldberg household was bright and warm. All the traditions and rituals were being dutifully followed except for one which was being radically reimagined by the black sheep of the family.

He wasn’t like the other kids. While his friends chased squirrels behind the barn, like normal boys, he was busy gluing googly eyes onto inanimate objects around his home, for reasons he couldn’t articulate. Now he’d put his skills to good use this Thanksgiving.

That day he went to the grocery store, bought five pumpkins, two squash and ten lemons. The shopkeeper asked him if he had a special recipe in mind. He smiled knowing he did- a recipe for deceit. When he got home he took out the googly eyes and applied them to his purchases.

This required care and imagination. His gourd-family dream was finally materializing, and he didn’t want to rush anything.

And so, with a delicata squash in one hand and a decorative pumpkin in the other, the eldest Goldberg crept to the kitchen sink eager to try her hand at the family’s namesake recipe. Out of her gourd she’d awoken and to that state she’d return, knife in hand, passion in heart.

Cackling wildly, she attacked the gourds, slashing and scooping their tender innards. To this monstrous mash, she added the secret ingredient: googly eyes. Then, murmuring softly to herself an ancient incantation, she waited.

And then, ever so slowly, a hologram began to shimmer in the starlight. She questioned if the quivering hairs of a sloth were just in her imagination. Was this too good to be true?

The sloth, in all of its glory with Steve Buscemi-like googly eyes was staring at her. She swallowed her pride and slowly approached him. Was he a friend or foe? There was only one way to find out…

She extended her arm, not knowing what to expect - would he bare his teeth and snarl and charge or slither across and hang peacefully by his tail? Her calming demeanor made all the difference. Not only did he amble over - but his 5 offspring followed suit

The six of them—dad and his she-pups—gathered at her feet. Thankfully, they seemed contented. But slowly, their sweet calm melted, yielding to terrifying growls, as if to say “What have you done with our dear mother ?” If they learned the sordid truth, this could turn violent.

Suddenly, their questions were answered. From the upstairs bedroom came a startling sound; first there was a wooden thud, then the sound of sand pouring down the staircase. The group’s terror turned into disbelief when they realized it wasn’t sand but the burnt ashes of Lucy.