How to Catch a Fancy Gentleman

"Do these jeans make me look fat?" "No. Do these sunglasses make me look vain?" "No. Does this cheese give me bad breath?" "No. Does driving this car make me look like a poseur?" "No. Do these snakes make me look like a gorgon?" "No. Do these dill pickles make me look desperate?"

“Those dill pickles, madam, make you look like a lady of great refinement and taste.”, he said, chuckling. “Half sour, I presume? With a springy… crunch?” He raised his eyebrows. She gasped at his audacity. “Sir! You presume too much!”

“Apologies, m’lady,” he said, profusely sweating, “Those are some of our finest pill dickles, I mean—“ The lady gave him a quick smack round the face. “These so-called pickles have faces on them, and you call them ‘finest?’” The half-eaten pickle exclaimed, “I’m pickle Rick!”

To make it up to her, the noble gentleman picked up a platter of bananas just lying on the floor. “I say, what a magnificent pair of bananas!” Then he turned, and realised — a giant GameBoy was going to fall on him. “Oh, great heavens!” He tried to run but it was too late. Splat!

“And that’s how you catch a fancy gentleman!” the infomercial blared in the laundromat. “A well-placed platter of organic produce is all it takes. Before they can say ‘oh dear’ they meet their maker, which in most cases is Nintendo.” Those nearby continued folding their laundry.