Interview with the Hampire

Madison and Franklin was picking blackberries around their grandparents house. Madison picked the berries and Franklin held her little white bucket as she tossed them in one by one.

“Madison! Franklin! Stop throwing those blackberries around!” their grandpa yelled from the porch. “We need them to be plump and juicy, not squished, if we’re going to be able to prepare them.” Grandma came outside, too. “It’s time you learned the secret about us,” she said.

"That's right," said Grampa sauntering up to the children "we're familiars of the most frightful vegan vampire in 1,000 years. FRUITULA!" Grandma grinned and said "Yes, and our dreaded master only feasts on blackberries!"

Grandma & Grandpa yanked the berries from the children's hands. "Fruitula will transform us into tempeh if we don't provide," they said & hustled into the dark to feed their vegan lord. The kids knew then that they had to call Papa & Gammy. Only werepigs can stop a vegvampire.

The grandwerepigs were enjoying four-legged state, hunting for dark truffles by the moonlight. Their shared Jitterbug phone rang, and kept ringing. It took 5 rings for them to hear it, then 5 more to realize it was their phone, then 3 more rings to actually answer. "Hello?!"

For all their rich biological features, GWPs had decidedly mediocre hearing. "What's that?" the furriest sow said before listening intently. "We gotta go!" she suddenly squealed. The brood made a v-formation and scurried off. Shouting could be heard in the receiver as they fled.