Death and Tartar

It's not fair, it's not fair! Why did it have to be him? Sweat droplets come from off my face as I raise my hand, I'll take my friend's spot. The grin off of Deo's face resonates pure evil. "Very well, Geovoni your saved... for now" Geo looks at me in horror as the guards pick me

to be the Big Winner of a year’s supply of fish sticks. “Congratulations,” said Ethel, who barely showed any emotion. “Geovani,” I said. “I’m sorry. I hope you never

run out of tartar sauce." Geovani took my hands in his. "There's 1 thing I never told you about me," he said. "I am heir to the Ta-Ta Tartar Sauce empire." My eyes welled with tears of joy. I was never one for brand loyalty, always buying whatever was on sale, but Ta-Ta's was the

only item on my grocery list I didn’t mind splurging on. In fact, buying that sweet, sweet, creamy goodness was the highlight of my week. I longed for the moment I got a new bottle of it, and saw it as my reward for completing yet another arduous week.

The glorious Hidden Valley, Holy Grail of the South. I kept it in a glass case for everyone to see. When dinner came I grabbed the bottle and blessed the food with it. I raised a fork to my mouth and tasted heaven itself. Delightful. Delicious. Dessert.

It truly was a religious and spiritual experience. I was filled with the spirit of Father Dad and felt myself rising from my chair. That was it. The true moment. I opened my mouth. “They call me ranch,” my daughter shaking in her seat, “because I be dressing!” She instantly died.

I turned to my son, and commanded him to pull my finger. But he was too wise to fall for that old trick. I’d raised him well, but now I had no excuse to expel my gas. The dog was outside, I’d have no one to blame it on either.

Scientists don't know exactly how many spontaneous combustion cases result from this sort of situation. But if there's one thing I didn't want to be when I shed this mortal coil, it's a fart statistic. Thus, it was with resolute chagrin that I took a deep breath and relaxed ...

For a moment, I was ready to accept that the resolution I feared would never happen. Then I remembered what my grandfather had taught me. Kick your brain to the curb. I leaped into the air, and right when I was ready to achieve a state of Nirvana never seen before, I exploded.

Next thing I knew, I was up in the clouds, in a daze. An angel greeted me. "Welcome to the Afterlife Hotel Resort, where you can live out the rest of your days in a state of Nirvana and bliss!" Wow, that sounded nice. But I didn't like that I was dead. How do I return to life?