Of Morals & Mayonnaise

There are days in a young boy's life when everything changes. For Huxley Doyle that day came on a Wednesday. That was the day he first encountered Tim Hortons buffalo crunch doughnut and questioned everything. "Why would a loving god allow such a thing?!?" he screamed at the sky.

“Mayonnaise was never meant to burble from a doughnut hole.” But Huxley Doyle’s complaints were answered only by a gentle breeze, and the sweet smell of a magnolia tree whose flowers had opened that morning. When Huxley’s mother announced the family would be moving to Toronto,

they all knew that mayonnaise was always going to be on the menu. One couldn't eat anything in Toronto without "a dollop of the white". Even orange slices & sour gummi worms came with mayo. Huxley wanted to fit in with his classmates, so he started every day with mayo in his tea.

The strangest part of life in Toronto was the stream of tourists from Minnesota desperate to buy mayo. It was such a strange thing to become illegal in the U.S., eh?

We'd sell it in 5 gallon buckets for $50 a pop. The US government wasn't too pleased with us though.

Suddenly the door bursts open knocking the nearest barrel over. Illicit turkey refuse spills everywhere. A cop grips my collar before I can escape. Next thing I know I’m standing trial for trafficking in bird waste, outed as a “fowl mouth.” I live the rest of my life in shame.