“Where are the jaws of life when you need them?” I asked. Then I remembered my seatbelt. Popping the latch freed me, and I stepped out of the wreckage of my mangled Honda Fit. I stumbled to the curb and collapsed on a patch of grass, happy to be alive.
My name is Bambi, and I am an obese deer. I enjoy eating KFC and traveling into people's nightmares so that I can eat more KFC than my body will allow. But recently I myself have been getting nightmares, nightmares where I was driving a car (as a deer) and crashing into a tree.
When your mom is a Disney character and your dad is Freddy Krueger, strange dreams are to be expected. Their marriage didn’t last long, and they had a very unusual custody arrangement for me. I alternated years with them.
This year I was going to be staying with my mom. “Oh hello dear! It's been so long since I've seen you!” “Yeah it's been a whole year.” “Didn’t you say you brought a friend?” “Yeah he's right here.” The obese deer stepped out from behind the bushes, chomping loudly on a corn cud.
"Ho ho ho, I will free you from the prison!" A thin old man placed his hand on my mom's belly, and it became his belly! He opened his arms, looking as if he would embrace me ... instead, the car roamed over my head!