Gopher It

Something strange was going on. It looked like something was moving under the dirt, close enough to the surface that it pushed a trail of it above as it went forward. People looked at it, puzzled and a bit alerted. A kid pointed at it but the mom grabbed the kid's hand and fled.

A woman gasped. An old man with a cane walked up and pointed. He said “Mark my words: the gophers are back. We last saw them in this town in ‘62 or ‘63. And they came close to killing us all!”

“That was until the beavers, squirrels and badgers forged an alliance to drive out the gopher threat from this town, through the use of gorilla warfare!” The old man handed me his rifle. “Listen here, son, you see any gophers…” A gopher emerged from the bushes. “Gopher it.” Bang.

Another gopher bit the dust. And another met its untimely fate. Somehow I was an expert at shooting gophers. All those years of video games finally paid off. The beavers, squirrels and badgers cheered on as I drove away the gopher threat, for good. “Attaboy!” the old man cheered.

That was around the time the press showed up. I was interviewed for Gopher Killer Quarterly, the Rodenticide Reporter, & the Chicago Sun Times. Word of my gopher killing skills spread, but with the fame came the haters. Rabid fans from the University of Minnesota arrived at my

cave. I offered them a cold brew and gopher blanket. At first they were appalled, (by the smells?) then settled into its comforts. We talked all night, and became life long friends.