The Taste Offensive

She laughed, sadly. “Remember in spring 2022, we thought the pandemic was ending? I guess we were technically right, because that first pandemic was almost over. We had no idea what was coming for us that summer and fall, though.”

Everything changed once again when COVID 22: Electric Boogaloo attacked. They were sitting in a bunker hundreds of feet below, living on canned food. Nobody dared go out. Her brother, an avid conspiracy theorist, put forward a theory (see: hypothesis). “It was obviously caused by

ketchup factories to boost the sales of their product and therefore lower the sales of rivaling condiments, such as mayonnaise and barbecue sauce." The crowd in the bunker all gawked at him in disbelief, unsure of whether to consider his claim outlandish or plausible.

A young private, blonde with hazel eyes, lifted his hand. "But sir," he stammered, "what about the horseradish offensive? They're coming in too hot for our sauce. We can't—excuse the pun—catch up!" The entire bunker groaned, then rocked as it was hit by a ranch dressing mortar.

The general stuck his finger in the sauce and gave it a taste. “As I’d suspected, Hidden Valley. Men! Grab your best ketchup and mustard, and you,” he pointed to the private, “Get the BBQ gun.” They quickly scrambled to load the cannons with hot dogs and fired them at the planes.

With their windshields covered in condiments, and engines filled with beef franks, the planes stood no chance. One-by-one they reversed course. The Battle of the Dogs would forever be known as one of the greatest military achievements in history.