Clowntastrophe

"Well? Don't you want to know how the story ends?" He wipes my wet cheek with his glove & I turn away. Despite my unwilling participation in this clowns performance, he jerks my chin back. And his red painted smile contorts into something far more menacing.

The clown frowns, and the whole audience gasps. His red painted smile now looks like a bloody grimace. He stares at me for a good long while. Then he says, "I'll turn that frown upsidedown". The crowd starts laughing, he positions his hands above and below my head.

My acrobatic training took over. I did a standing backflip over the freaky clown, landing on my feet behind him. Then I kicked him firmly in the seat of his clown pants, and ran the other direction.

With the honk of his rubber nose, the clown called his posse. "Get her!" he cried. They hounded me like rabid dogs. I used every trick to hold them back—the squirting flower, a bucket full of confetti, seltzer water down the pants—but still they came. Then I saw it: a clown car!

There was only one thing left to do: break out the chainsaw. I reached into my pocket and whipped it out, revving its’ engine. I turned around slowly and stared dead into the eyes of the boss clown. But then to my horror, he honked his nose again, and turned his frown upsidedown.

“You wanna know how I got these scars?” the clown laughed maniacally. “Oh hell-“ my chainsaw slashed across his face. But that left him with an even bigger smile. “Suck it up, buttercup!” Before I had time to react a custard pie flew into my face.

This is the weirdest date I have ever been on. Sure, Clown Camp seemed like a good idea. I always loved performing and costumes, but this was crossing a line. I put the plastic chainsaw down. “Derek I don’t think this is going to work out.” I left the tent and blocked his number.