Rietje Becker

Benjamin Chandler

Sean King

Ramen Guy

Jay Knowles

Sam Becker

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English

steady on his bulky feet. Tina raised the barbell higher and higher. His muscles flexing and straining. Then a loud ripping sound was heard-his leopard tights had torn at the seams. He squealed with embarrassment. This is not how he imagined his birthday.

There Tina stood, barbell above his head, tights a puddle of torn fabric pooling at his feet. His lucky underwear retained his modesty, but revealed his greatest secret—his secret fandom. "Brucetina Benson wears Ace of Base underwear?" the audience gasped. He dropped the barbell.

Then in an impossibility high falsetto, he started belting out “I Saw the Sign.” Then he did a pirouette and segued into “Dancing Queen”. The audience screamed in joy. Flowers were thrown on stage. ABBA called their attorney.

They were taken to court the following day. The defense argued it was in the spur of the moment. ABBA accused them of planning it all along. The jury’s decision? Guilty.

Punishment? An eternity of Nickelback. Who knew music could be used for such destructive purposes? The defendant cried out in anguish. “No, not Nickelback! I want my nickel back! Noooo…” He was dragged down the hallway, never to be seen again as the doors slammed shut.

And from that day forward, this case—The State vs The Penniless Alt Rock Enthusiast—was taught to all first year law students, many of whom quit the profession shortly after. Movie rights have been acquired by a major movie studio under the working title Legally Blond IV.

The crowd hushed as Tina skipped onto the platform wearing a chartreuse tutu, rainbow leotard, and a sparkling tiara. Eyelids fluttering, his bronzed 450lb bulk stood solid ready to deadlift over twice his own weight in metal. Silk gauntleted fists clenched, he readied himself...

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