ayesha wells

Jay Knowles

Benjamin Chandler

Marta P

Carter Griffin

Sean King

Jacob Sherman

English

It was a shameful thing. A foul, disgusting, inhumane thing. Even so, the more I looked at it the more my eyes morphed it into something normal. How strange. It was like...

witnessing a car crash. It’s all horrible and bloody but you just can’t look away from it no matter how hard you try. Puberty truly hits like a truck. And to think I was once disgusted by it as a child! I sat there, mouth wide open, mesmerised by what I was seeing.

Hair sprouted from my armpits like a sped-up video of grass growing. My legs, too, cultivated a healthy crop of hair. My body flooded with chemicals & my brain reeled at the flux of emotions I had over the course of mere minutes—happy, gloomy, randy, lonely, hyper. I felt it all.

Oh no. Puberty hit me, and not just lightly, more like a full speed train on the Japanese underground. I suddenly felt the urge to dance in public and post it on TikTok. Thus, I put on my shorts, despite it being December, and started walking towards the mall.

"...What did I just do?!" All over the city I saw people watching the video of me dancing. In the mall. With shorts halfway up my thighs like a 90's jogger. In front of a lingerie exhibit. My face flushed red, purple, blue, before paling back to white as the realization hit me:

I looked amazing. Seriously, I could have been a backup dancer from Prince, or Pat Benatar, or ever Big Daddy Kane. Furious Footwork is my specialty!

It was all thanks to my dance instructor. See, he had a rather unusual way of teaching. Every morning he would whip out his revolver and fill the floor with lead. “Dance, boy, dance!” My feet moved on their own, as if by magic. Couldn’t have done it without him.

Finally A Man

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There is just one question I can’t help but ask: What, oh what, is the purpose of the Christmas tree emoji? Why would I get it, it’s just not clear to me. What does that even mean at all? And why is this Christmas tree so tall?

It's not like I couldn't just type Christmas tree. That would actually be easier than searching through lists of emojis for a symbol in it's place. And to use it to decorate a text seems childish and inane. Just get rid of it.

On the other hand, there is a certain charm to that decorated tree emoji. It conveys a childlike wonder that doesn’t quite come through in the word “Christmas”. Maybe I have judged too harshly?

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, why must you stalk me hauntingly? Amazingly, the Christmas tree, could be the most used emoji. I wonder why, it’s hard to see, this little tree’s just not for me. Oh Christmas tree, the symphony, the melody and harmony!

Jingle bells, jungle smells, leopards ate my face. I had no fear that they'd be here, but now they stalk my place. Hey! Jungle smells, tortoise shells, monkeys flinging poo. Some sharks have come to drink chum rum with their sea monster crew.

"Thank you for this... 'special' rendition of "Jingle Bells". Unfortunately, you do not have what it takes to compete in this year's show,. Please make your way back to the green room," stated Gretchen. I was screwed.

Carter Griffin
@cartergriffin

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